The Characteristics of Narcissistic Behaviour: A Lived Experience & Observational Analysis
- Rachael Rose
- Jan 14
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 15
Introduction
Narcissistic behaviour is often discussed in clinical literature, but its real impact is most clearly felt in intimate and relational contexts.
My understanding of Narcissistic traits has come from three primary sources:
Personal experience growing up with a Father whose patterns aligned with Narcissistic behaviour.
Romantic relationships marked by emotional volatility, manipulation, and avoiding accountability.
The stories of women and clients I have worked with, whose experiences echo the same characteristics with near "copy-and-paste" precision.
Although Narcissism exists on a spectrum and should not be self-diagnosed in others, the behavioural patterns are often remarkably consistent.
This research explores those patterns through lived experiences, trauma-informed understanding, and established psychological frameworks.
1. Emotional Immaturity as the Foundation
Many individuals who display Narcissistic traits operate from a stunted emotional age. Often emotionally arrested somewhere in childhood.
Despite adult bodies and adult roles, their behaviour reveals:
Inability to regulate emotions
Impulsive reactions driven by fear
Low frustration tolerance
Black-and-white thinking (splitting) with zero room for grey
Reactive defensiveness
From my Father to Romantic Partners, the emotional landscape is the same.
A wounded boy masked by bravado.
Clients describe the same pattern. Men who can dominate, perform, or manipulate, but cannot sit with discomfort, accountability, or emotional truth.
A pattern I see in my own life, stemming from the model that was presented to Me as a child. The cycle of anger coupled with substance abuse which exploded into rage and mistreatment. Followed by avoidance, denial and zero accountability. Brushed under the carpet and never spoken about. Until the next episode. The loop continued.
2. The Fragile Ego Hidden Beneath Grandiosity
The irony of Narcissistic behaviour is that apparent confidence masks profound insecurity.
The characteristics include:
Need for excessive validation
Hyper-sensitivity to criticism
Inability to tolerate being wrong
Jealousy and comparison
Feeling threatened by strong, emotionally intelligent Women
This fragility often manifests as rage, stonewalling, or projection when confronted with their own shortcomings.
In my relationships, any attempt to express a boundary became an “attack.”
My Father and Romantic Partners reacted similarly; responsibility was experienced as anger and resentment. Any form of feedback and communication was met with an instant "guns out" approach.
No room for conversation.
No space for repair.
No opportunity for remedial works.
Again, the cycle continued.
3. Control as a Survival Strategy
Narcissistic behaviour is fundamentally fear-based.
To Them, control equals safety.
Common control strategies include:
Gaslighting (“that never happened”, “you’re too sensitive”)
Triangulation (using others to maintain power or insecurity)
Silent treatment
Manipulating narratives
Financial or emotional withholding
Testing loyalty
Women I work with report nearly identical dynamics. The need to dominate the relational field to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed.
Speaking the truth of what has occurred in My life has caused a storm of rumours and attacks, both privately and publicly. Of course, to be expected. Truth and exposure is uncomfortable. Speaking from experience. However, it's in the moments of honesty where we can fully meet ourselves. Some thing that is avoided in a person who has the Narcissistic program deeply installed.
4. Lack of Empathy and Emotional Presence
A central trait is not a lack of feelings, but a lack of access to empathy in relational conflict.
They can be charming, charismatic, and even generous when they want something, but emotionally unavailable when real intimacy is required.
Patterns include:
Viewing others as extensions, not individuals
Prioritising their comfort over your feelings
Dismissive responses to emotional pain
Inability to self-reflect or apologise genuinely
My own experiences, and those of My clients, show a predictable cycle.
Affection, withdrawal, blame, partial repair (or none at all), and then repetition.
The most significant event, and traumatising experience, occurred when I met my late Daughters Father. He was charming, had Me hooked from the beginning. Some call it 'Love Bombing' in today's language.
However, He was unable to meet Me emotionally. Dismissing My needs but demanding His to be met. Substance abuse, manipulation, psychological warfare disguised as 'Love'.
He was deeply wounded. Not from Me, but from His past, which He carried into our relationship and used Me, and our Daughter, as a scapegoat for His pain. Taking both their lives when I stepped away.
I do not regret leaving Him. But I have learned that My intuition was correct. He was unsafe to be around. I chose to not listen to that inner knowing and to give Him the benefit of the doubt. Allowing Him access to our Daughter so I was not seen as 'being difficult' or 'taking away his child'.
Classic.
5. The Repetition Across Men: “Copy and Paste” Behaviour
Women across different countries, backgrounds, and circumstances relay stories that sound identical. The same sentences, the same behaviours, the same emotional immaturity.
Common repeating behaviours:
Love-bombing and idealisation
Devaluation and withdrawal
Cycles of apology without change (sometimes never apologising)
Attempts to regain control when You detach
Blame-shifting and rewriting history
Projection of Their insecurities onto You
This repetition raises an important psychological implication. Many narcissistic behaviour patterns stem from shared developmental wounds, often rooted in childhood neglect, enmeshment, or conditional love.
The love I experienced was almost always met with conditions. Or, material.
"I took You on holiday"
"I bought You this"
"You had a privileged childhood"
True. Not denying. But that is condition based.
As a Mother, albeit short lived, I understood my role in my Daughter's life. I modelled the behaviour I was not shown, after realising I was the cycle breaker. I displayed to her confidence, self love, self respect, saying "No" when something didn't feel good and honouring the light within Me, which was also within Her.
I gave her space for her emotions. Allowing her the opportunity to feel and express without the need to fix. Incorporating breathing and positivity into those moments. Allowing room for empathy to form naturally.
6. The Impact on Survivors
The effect on those exposed to narcissistic behaviour is profound:
Hyper-vigilance
Self-doubt and confusion
People-pleasing or fawning patterns
Loss of identity
CPTSD symptoms
Internalisation of blame
The internal narrative becomes: “If I were more patient, pretty, calm, quiet, strong, spiritual, forgiving…”
My Clients often confess that they feel “drained,” “numb,” or “like I’m walking on eggshells,” which mirrors my childhood and romantic experiences.
My memory bank is clouded with moments of tip-toeing around my Father who'd fell into a drunken slump. "Don't wake him" was often whispered, or mouthed to Me.
The result: I became a Ninja. An expert at being silent.
Recently, I had a friend stay with Me for a few weeks when I lived in Thailand and She noted how quiet I was. Not something I pay that much attention too because it's a program installed from childhood. To be quiet. Don't make noise. Keep Your mouth shut.
Interesting that She noticed. We ended up having a discussion around the probable causes. Childhood being the root.
7. Why These Patterns Persist Across Generations
Narcissistic behaviour frequently stems from:
Childhood emotional neglect
Shame-based family systems
Authoritarian or chaotic parenting
Lack of secure attachment modelling
Conditional affection and achievement-based worth
Men raised without emotional safety often become Men who cannot create emotional safety.
Growing up, I watched my Father move through the world with the emotional rigidity He was taught. I remember moments where I needed comfort but received avoidance, where emotions were met with silence, and where affection felt earned instead of freely given.
Only later did I understand that He wasn’t choosing cruelty. He was repeating what He knew. The same wounds I saw in Him showed up in the mMen I later dated, and in the stories Women share with Me.
Different faces, same patterns, same unhealed lineage.
8. Breaking the Cycle
Healing begins when you recognise:
This behaviour is not your fault
Their reactions are reflections of their wounds
You cannot love or fix someone into emotional maturity
Boundaries are a form of self-rescue
Your story matters
For women I work with, naming the pattern is the first step toward liberation.
There was a time when I didn’t know how to say “No,” didn’t know how to disappoint someone, didn’t know how to stop absorbing the emotions of Men who could not self-regulate.
This changed only when I finally stood back and acknowledged the imprint My childhood had left on Me. Breaking the cycle meant choosing Myself. Sometimes painfully, sometimes alone. And it’s the same breakthrough I witness in the Women I support. Once They name the pattern, They no longer tolerate it. Awareness becomes freedom.
Conclusion
Narcissistic behaviour is rarely a single moment. It is a repeating pattern held together by fear, insecurity, and emotional immaturity.
Through my own experiences, the stories of clients, and the mirrored behaviours in partners and family, a clear truth emerges: the characters may change, but the pattern is the same.
Understanding these characteristics not only validates survivors but also helps break generational cycles of trauma and confusion. By identifying these behavioural traits early, We reclaim power, clarity, and the ability to choose healthier relationships and safer environments.
This research is more than an exploration of behaviour patterns. It is a reflection of my life.
I grew up in the shadows of emotional neglect, learned love through survival, and spent years trying to soothe the wounds of Men who were never taught to feel.
What once confused Me now makes perfect sense. Their behaviour had nothing to do with My worth and everything to do with Their unhealed pain.
And if You are reading this with a knot in Your chest, recognising Your own story in mine, I want You to know something deeply. You are not the chaos you survived. You are the clarity returning to Your body. You are the Woman who chooses something different.
My Mentoring space exists for this exact moment. The moment a Woman realises She is ready to break the cycle forever. It is a space for healing grief, trauma, heartbreak, and self-abandonment. A space where Your story is heard, Your patterns are understood, and You learn to rebuild from a place of strength, softness, and truth.
Your past may explain You, but it does not define Your future. You get to choose what happens next.
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